Always Learning

2002-11-21T14:43:00.000-08:00

Byebye blogger.

my new address is:

http://www.itsallirreverent.net/jamie/

Feel free to change the link or add me.

2002-11-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, my blog is still fuzucked up and I haven't had time to fix it.
KWK, go ahead and take me off of MM for now, till I get this thing together, okay? Thanks.
Here is an update on us (X-posted at MS):
Busy but good.
I just had Ciera's parent/teacher conference on Thursday at her preschool. They said she is doing fabulously. She really loves the practical life stuff and spends the majority of her time doing art. They said any type of art that is available, she loves doing. She doesn't spend a lot of time in the sensory area. Can basically read and write, just needs practice. The thing I was most surprised with was they said they have been very impressed with her math skills. Well, color me shocked, Chuck and I both really suck at math. They said she is doing their most advanced math work and has actually been teaching some of the younger kids basic math. Wow. They said she is extremely bright and she is very social, gets along well with everyone. I just love her teacher. I think sometimes Montessori can be a little clinical (not a great description) but her teacher is so warm and caring, yet firm. She is just fantastic and Ciera loves her. She hugs every kid, everyday when it is time to go home. Ciera also just started swim lessons and she LOVES them!
Finn is, well, it's anyone's guess how he is going to be from minute to minute, lol. He has actually chilled out a little the last few days. I have been very firm, but positive, about the boundries and he seems to be settling down a little. I have also been trying to create more routine, for him, and it also seems like he does better within that structure. We have been playing a lot and he is such a little helper (when he feels like it, the rest of the time he is creating chaos, lol). Chuck told him today to "hold his horses" and Finn said, "what horses?" lol, it was really cute. Finn starts at the Montessori school next week, two afternoons a week. MIL will have him the rest of the time when I am in class. Katie, current babysitter and my LLL Leader, is moving across town. Sniff, on one hand, we will miss her so much. After his initial adjustment, he has come to adore going to Katies. On the other hand, I am glad Finn and Ciera will be in the same place. It just makes me feel kinda scattered when they are apart, lol. We visited his class this week and it went well. He has been asking for some time to go to "sissy's school" so I think he will transition smoothly.
I am doing okay. Swamped with homework, but maintaining. I signed up for my classes for next semester. I have to take a couple of boring ones but I am taking Economic Environmental Policy (which I am thrilled about - dh says I am a nerd) and Western Religion, for my sequence classes, next fall, I will take Eastern Religion. I am completely looking forward to the holidays and getting a break from school. My mom, Ciera and I are going to see the Nutcracker at the end of this month. Ciera is really excited, especially because she gets to wear a "floofy" dress. We are hosting Christmas this year (we have lots and lots of family) and I am excited because all I have to do is make sure the house is clean, everyone else is bringing the food! This is the first time in a couple of years we haven't had to travel at Christmas time and I am so glad. Ciera's birthday is coming up (I am having a hard time believing she is actually going to be FIVE!) and we are trying to figure out what kind of party she wants.
So, there's an update.
Mandi, I got your message and will try to call you!

2002-09-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

One more time.

2002-09-21T15:27:00.000-07:00

Changed the template. I think I lots my comments. I need to change my blog title/name. Any suggestions? Seeing if the description changed.

2002-09-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

why isn't my blog working?

2002-09-18T22:53:00.000-07:00

I am trying to figure out how I want to redo my blog. I have a lot of homework tonight though, so won't get to it.
I am suprised (and a little disappointed) that no one commented on the pictures of my kids.

My list for tomorrow:
library - return books that are almost a month overdue (oh my)
clean up office room and put together bookshelf
do a couple of loads of laundry
call Geico (and try to figure out why our insurance just went up $100 (OUCH)

2002-09-12T10:53:00.000-07:00

I am going to be offline for a few days. Our new furniture comes today, yay! But, we have to move the computer out of the livingroom and into the office, where the phone line doesn't work. I have an appointment for the telephone people to come next Thursday, so will probably be off till then. It's probably a good thing, I feel like I need a little breather from the online world. And, I have TONS of work to do! : )

2002-09-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

Daddy made helped make a crown for his prince, this was a few months ago.

2002-09-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

Two raspberry pickers, this is at my parents, we spend a lot of time out there in the summer and they love picking berries.

2002-09-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

Ciera picking raspberries.

2002-09-11T15:56:00.000-07:00

Oh, the tangled webs we weave...

2002-09-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to blog about this since Monday but haven't had the chance. On Mondays I have a class called Rhetoric of Land Use Conflict, which is a upper division Communications class (no idea why it is a comm class). It's hard, a lot of work, but I love the class. I feel like my mind is totally expanding. This class is basically a seminar class, very discussion-oriented and there are about 8 students.
Anyway, there was a panel discussion on Monday. It was about Native American/Alaskan Environmental Issues. There were 5 panelists. One was a lady who is an attorney for the Native American Trust Fund, the second was a Tlingit woman who was heavily in volved in helping to pass the Alaska Native Claims Settlement Act and her tribe was responsible for development and clearcutting a huge island, 100 miles long, worth of logs (there was a lot of publicity about this, you could see the clearcut from the moon!). The third woman was from somewhere outside, she didn't say where and had a PhD. in American History, specializing in Native American issues. The fourth was a man who is a prof at the Uni. he is very involved in land issues (conservation) and has been the mayor of Seward. The fifth person is a woman who is running for Govenor, the Green party candidate. A group of very educated, well-known (in Alaska) people.
It was absolutely amazing. I was totally fucking blown away. They told their background stories and their views on development and land issues. There are a lot of Natives in Alaska and so, I have grown up with them, have several friends who were natives, but had never really stopped to think about their heritage. I know some, just because it is all around. But, I didn't know their stories, well, perhaps the stories of their parents.
I didn't know about the children who were taken from their parents and put into foster care and who ran away over and over trying to get back home, intimately getting to know the land, the real earth in the process. I didn't know about the girl who was sent to Native boarding school and told to forget her heritage, and only speak English, always English. I didn't know about the slow degredation that these people went through. The way that the were squeezed off their land. The way their way of life died as they were allowed less and less subsistance rights. I didn't know that they weren't considered citizens. I didn't know about the man who could live comfortably off the land but was forced off because of "regulations" and who didn't know how to order food in a resturant because he had never been in one and who eventually took his own life because he felt so torn away.
It really opened my eyes. In a huge way. I never realized how PRIVILEGED I was. There were some benefits to ANSCA but the reality is that that land was stolen, that way of life.
All except one of the speakers was very concerned about the environment. This place, although it seems harsh, is very fragile. The arctic needs to remain as it is.
Needless to say, I am very anti-ANWAR. ANWAR was not brought up in the panel discussion, but it is always an underlying issue here.
I was moved by these people. Especially the women. They were amazing. They were what I strive to be. They were strong and believed with every fiber of their being in what they were working towards. I want to be like that. I want to love my children and put them first, I want to work towards making our environment safe. I am trying to mesh the two desires but it is hard. I feel a strong pull towards my work and I have to resist against it, otherwise, I become consumed and really tend to neglect my kids (emotionally). I have to tell myself, the kids need you to read them a book/play with them, you need to put away your work. But I know the day will come when I can focus more on what I feel called too. I know I will never regret the time I have/am spending with them. I know it...but still, I am torn...

2002-09-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have some extra time on my hands...
100 (maybe, not sure if I will get that far) things about me:
1. I am married
2. I find this hard to believe
3. still, after 5 years.
4. I am 25
5. I have two children
6. Who I love like nothing else
7. but who are not the complete end all of my life
8. I have never, ever regretted having them
9. but do think back wistfully sometimes of childless days.
10. I love my mom
11. a lot
12. I just found out my brother is getting a divorce
13. he has only been married for a year
14. thank gawd there are no children involved
15. I am full of self-hate for my body
16. I cannot even talk about it
17. I am a total perfectionist
18. I wonder, sometimes, why I bother to comment on certain blogs
19. since it seems like those people never really care about my comments anyway.
20. I can be pretty insecure
21. but it still bugs me
22. I love pottery
23. I have an IUD and do not want anymore children
24. I don't wear a wedding ring
25. I used to have my septum pierced
26. I lived in Colorado for a year
27. I gave up the love of my life that year
28. I was a fool
29. but I try to move on
30. I am a student
31. my major is journalism, public relations
32. my minor is environmental studies
33. I wish UAA had an environmental studies major
34. I would love that.
35. I have no plans to homeschool
36. I cannot stand puke.
37. At all, I feel a compulsion to run out of the room whenever one of my children vomits.
38. I drive an SUV
39. I hate admitting that.
40. dh loves that car.
41. I desperately want to travel
42. I think where I live is one of the most amazing places on earth
43. My stepdad is 1/2 Japanese
44. I grew up with a lot of Japanese culture, although, I have no Japanese blood.
45. My children are absolutely gorgeous.
46. Really, everyone comments on them, esp. Ciera
47. sometimes this really bothers me
48. because of the value I am trying to instill into her
49. her inherent worth as a person, not as a beauty
50. sometimes, I think the only person who understands what i say
51. is me, lol.
52. I fight my inner consumer everyday.
53. we have come a long way in simplifying.
54. I am very proud of that.
55. I would really like to go to a movie sometime soon.
56. I have way to many things going on to even consider it.
57. I miss having friends my age.
58. it seems like all my friends are suburban moms
59. who are affluent
60. and can be deadly boring
61. and are shocked at my political leanings
62. and can't believe that i let my children call my Jamie
63. I feel very far away from them sometimes
64. but they support me
65. and are excellent parents and I like them
66. we are trying to get rid of all our credit cards
67. I am trying to cook more veggie again
68. now that Finn isn't nursing as much, I feel my body is more okay with that
69. I have never been on antidepressants
70. sometimes I feel like I should be
71. I feel much better now though
72. since I am doing something that feeds me
73. I am very tired
74. we have no furniture in our livingroom
75. we went and picked some out today
76. I will be happy to have a couch again.
77. Ciera loves her school.
78. which makes me love it too.
79. I am very happy that it is a Montessori school.
80. because I really like thier philosophy.
81. We only drink organic milk
82. but can't afford all organic produce
83. I feel like milk is very important, that is be organic
84. my daughter is very tall for her age and so is my son
85. so the last thing they need is more hormones to fuck them up.
86. I find the dairy industry to be very scary.
87. I love to shop at thrift stores
88. I feel like I don't fit into any certain mold or catagory.
89. which can be a good thing
90. but can also feel sorta bad sometimes, somewhat isolating
91. I have 4 brothers, all younger than me.
92. 3 of them are triplets, they are 17.
93. I also have a half-sister, who is 7.
94. she is only 2.5 years older than Ciera.
95. they get along okay.
96. Sadly, Ciera seems much more innocent than Mikayla.
97. Mikayla is my bio dad's child.
98. They (bio dad's immediate family, which I haven't been part of till just recently) are pretty fucked up.
99. My husband is good to me and I love him
100. and he is a fucking fabu daddy.

2002-09-06T19:07:00.000-07:00

Having a very bad day.
Husband is being a JACKASS.
Finn puked all over the beige carpet.
House is a pit.
My cycle started again. It just ended 2 1/2 weeks ago. That cycle lasted 3 WEEKS!
I think I will go cry in the corner now.

2002-09-05T23:38:00.000-07:00

Oh, I forgot something funny. We were in Sears yesterday, trying to find some shoes for Ciera, which is soooo frustrating because she has a wide foot. Anyway, she pulled out one of the shoe inserts, it sorta looked like a gun, it was a plastic piece. Anyway, she was holding it like a gun so I asked what she was doing, gently, not wanting her to feel like I was jumping on her or something. We just talked about guns the other day, she found a squirt gun somewhere. Well, I told her we don't believe in having guns in our house. She was fine with throwing it away, once I explained our views on guns. Anyway, so we are in the store and I ask what she is doing. She said, "I'm just shooting you some love! It's my LOOOVE gun." I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I think she still doesn't really get the concept of guns and what they do. Ciera is so affectionate, I really love that.

2002-09-05T23:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I spent $250 at Costco today. Oh well, I got tons of food and we really need to stock the house.
I have a bunch of pictures of the kids I just got back, as soon as I hook up my scanner, I want to post some of them. I love summer pictures.
I am dead tired and was a mean mommy today. Especially to Finn. I am just not prepared for this 2 y.o. thing. It is like my child is a completely different kid than he was a month ago. I am definitly not handling it well. Okay, I am just going to let it go and start again tomorrow.
I feel proud of myself. I got all my homework done for my class tonight. Yay, considering I had to do it all when the kids were around, ie. not sleeping, watching a movie or chillin with dad.
Chuck is asleep. I think I will make him wake up and give me some attention. Not feelin the love tonight...

2002-09-05T08:54:00.000-07:00

Man, busy as a bee here. I am readjusting to being a student, having to deal with classes, schedules, etc. My mom is coming over today, we are going to take the kiddos and go to Costco. We really need some staple type foods, since we haven't really done a big shopping spree since we moved in. I did spend $130 at Natural Pantry the other day.
It looks like the sun is going to shine today.
Ciera is helping Finn get a drink of water, I can hear them in the kitchen behind me. She is trying to be so helpful and he is just pissed because "my do it" but he can't, he can't reach the faucet, even on the stool.
Speaking of Finn, we are totally into the twos. Never had these with Ciera, she was more challenging at age 3. However, I am quite shocked at the change in my son, I mean, he is still as sweet as ever, but we are definitly getting these flashes of "I am going to do what I want to do and you can't stop me" type stuff. Well, I guess he could reach. He just walked up to me saying "mess" and pointed to his head, which for some odd reason, is sopping wet. Oh well, at least he now has a cup of water that he got for himself. LOL

2002-08-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

Just out of curiosity (I won't stop journaling if no one does, I do this for myself as an outlet, I just wonder) does anyone read my blog? Besides Anne, LOL!

2002-08-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't think we are going to sign up for cable. YIPEE!!! I didn't want to, since I don't like having tv on in the evening. Dh, though, likes to have cable, likes to watch tv. So, we have been here a week and we discussed it yesterday and decided not to purchase it. Dh seems to have changed his mind and said he doesn't mind. We do watch movies, probably about 3 nights a week, after the kids are down, so it isn't like he is totally deprived. The TV is in our room, and we don't have one in the livingroom. Which I love. I hate looking at that big, ugly black eye staring at you.
We had Ciera's preschool orientation last night. I am very impressed with her teacher. This school is the only "real" Montessori school in town, the only one affiliated with the American Montessori Society. It was started in 1977 by a few local moms with Montessori training and has grown. One of the original moms still works there. I like that, I like that sense of history.
I took Ciera in for her visit this morning. All the kids go in for a little while before preschool actually starts so they can see the room, meet the teachers, etc. She had a good time. She told me at dinner, she is very excited about feeding the crickets to the frog, learning math (something she has been very interested in lately), and SPANISH days! She loves spanish.
It is has become more clear to me that she really can self-motivate. I have done nothing with her except read to her (a lot!) and spell out words for her, at her request, which is often. All on her own, she has learned to write the alphabet, write quite a few words, and is definitly in the beginning stages of reading. She is constantly trying to sound things out and asking me to help her with it. So, this year should be interesting. I just love watching her mind expand, she just falls in head first and totally immerses herself in learning.
I am really puzzled by the fact that so many people think Cameron Diaz is gorgeous. I guess she is just not my type because I definitly don't think she is that attractive.
I ordered a Palm today!!! A very basic one because I wanted to start out with something inexpensive in case I don't really use or like it.
I also ordered some flannel sheets from Eddie Bauer. They have an excellent sale on thier online outlet store. 30% off of the outlet prices. I got a set of King-size sheets for only $24! They were normally $89. I got Chuck some work clothes and shoes and a jacket and a wallet and myself a wallet, and a fabulous shower curtain. All told, I spent $127, eeks. However, if I would have paid full price, everything would have been $383 so I feel quite good about the bargains. Oh, I also got (I know! totally shopaholic here, well, I knew Chuck was going to need more work clothes and Ciera doesn't have any winter clothes) Ciera a few turtlenecks from Land's End and 3 pairs of tights (I adore thier tights, they are so cute!), 2 sets of flannel sheets for the kids ($9.50 for each set, I really made out with bedding today) and a nightie for myself. I had the same nightie for years, a certain style by LE that I just loved to pieces, literally, it was so ragged and worn that dh literally begged my to get rid of it. So, with much sadness, I did. I hope that my new one lives up to my expectations. : P

2002-08-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

Geez, we are so busy. We have hardly even been in this house since we moved here!
I had two classes today, one in the early morning and one in the afternoon. Then we had to go pick up dh. Then my mom stopped by, offered to watch the kidlet so we could go out to dinner. Took advantage of the opportunity to go out sans kids, wolfed down dinner, wanted to get back to kids, since I had previously mentioned classes and was feeling mommy-guilt.
I can't decide what to do tomorrow. I had told my mom that the kids and I would go the the state fair with her. I want to but am BEAT. We have dh's back to school picnic tomarrow at 4:00, I have class from 6:30 till 9:20, but am cutting it short, only going till 7:30 because Ciera's preschool has orientation. So, I am thinking I should skip the fair, since we have so much other stuff going on tomorrow. We were supposed to leave town at 8:30 AM, be at the fair by 10:00 AM (an hour away) and stay till about 2:00 then drive back to town. I just don't know if I am up for it. Although the weather has been fantastic and dh asked me to pick up a certain tshirt for him. I think we will just wait till the weekend and all go, OMG, the crowds though!!!
Ciera starts preschool next week. She is very excited. I hope she likes it, I think she will. She does very well socially. I am excited about the chance for her to attend a real Montessori school, I really like the Montessori philosophy and think it will work well for her personality.
Well, I guess I should go to bed. I have a snuggly boy and a good book waiting for me.

2002-08-26T23:01:00.000-07:00

My goal for this week is to revamp my blog by the weekend. Hmm, will I be able to do it?
I started classes today.
Communications Law. yawn.
Ethics. Interesting, cool prof.
Land Use Rhetoric. Very interesting, esp. as a follow up to my envir. reporting class.

Thursday night is my other env. class.

It was wierd to be back at the Uni. everyone seemed so much younger than me. I'm only 25!!!
Finn and Ciera did well without me. I was gone from 8:30 till 2:15. I think that is the longest I have ever left Finn. They stayed with grammy since Chuck had to do work stuff.
Tomarrow, I have to go to an orientation (boring) and I think Jill is coming over. Not sure though. I am still feeling crappy so really should take the afternoon and rest.
Ciera is so darn smart. I can't believe her verbal skills. I don't really think about it that much, but when she is around a lot of other kids her age, it just blows me away. My brother was just hear for a visit and he said he could believe how she talked, she sounds like a small adult. Finn on the other hand...he is very expressive but still not very clear on speech. I know it will come with time and I try very hard not to compare my two, but it feels like one is very advanced and one is behind.
I am going to start volunteering once every two months for the recycling stop in Eagle River. I can't wait, dh and kids can go and help too. Mostly, dh will chase kids while I help though. :)
We are pretty much moved in. We have our bed, dresser and tv in our room. Kids have bunkbeds, which either has yet to sleep in (lol) dresser and all thier toys. Office has more toys, dest, computer, bookshelf. The kitchen has the maple table. BUT!!! The livingroom has nothing! LOL, it looks wierd, so empty. We haven't found a sofa or chair. We also need a coffee table, and bookcase. We just haven't had time to look yet.
I think the thing I appreciate the most about our new place is that it has a dishwasher. We haven't had one in 2 1/2 years, it is sooo nice.
Here is an interesting site for anyone interested in Environmentalism in Alaska:

www.akcenter.org

Next summer, I would like to send Ciera to one of thier camps, if it is a half day program. I have heard really good things about it.
Hmm, what else....well, dh just got home and he rented Van Wilder so I guess I will go watch it with him.

2002-08-25T23:51:00.000-07:00

I got this from Holly's blog:

stuff I keep on my nightstand
I don't have a nightstand, but there is a 5 inch ledge that goes around the room, it has my lamp, a mix of my books and the kids books, a glass of water and a phone, how utterly boring.

CDs that are in easy reach at all times (lately)
Indigo Girls
Janes Addiction
Not another teen movie (or something like that) soundtrack
David Grey
Dave Matthews

stuff that I have in my handbag
I don't have a handbag, I have a small wallet that is connected to my keys. I also have an REI backpack that I use if I need to carry stuff, but that is rare.

one thing i'm grateful for today
Going grocery shopping by myself.

Favorite high school memory
Making out with my best friend.

Favorite quote
Hmmmm, I actually can't think of one.

My first heartbreak happened when I was...
I've never actually had one! Wow, never thought about that before.

School picture buried in my bottom drawer
Umm, I think I will refrain from commenting on this one.

Weird preferences
I can't sleep unless the bedroom window is open, even in the frigid winter. I nicely rinse and stack the dishes (in a very precise way) before I put them in the dishwasher. I cannot drink anything that isn't cold. Hate chocolate.

One thing I'll never understand about the opposite sex
Why they can't understand the difference between pjs and day clothes, and why it doesn't seem to matter to him that child wears pjs all day.

TV character I'd most want to be
Okay, I don't watch very much tv. I guess if it was still on, I would want to be PeeWee Hermon.

Weird sleeping habits
Can't sleep unless the blanket and sheet are tucked under my feet.

Summer plans
Camping.

Favorite song right now
Power of Two - Indigo Girls. This has alway been my favorite song.

Dream house
A Green House, totally Green.

Typical sleepwear
Er, nothing.

What's in my wallet, and how much money
Drivers license, bank card, a couple of credit cards, insurance card, library card, Great Harvest Bread punchcard, vitamin punchcard.

Favorite pair of shoes
Birks and Dansk clogs are very much on the same level of favoriteness.

First five things I'd splurge on if I was a billionaire
1. Pay off debt, mostly student loans.
2. Travel, extensively.
3. Green house.
4. Hanna Andersson clothes (love how colorful they are!)
5. Toyota Prius

Daily bedtime ritual
Take out contacts, fend off dh's advances (lol! not always), read for a little while.

Weirdest/funniest nickname anyone has ever called me
God, I must be boring, I can't even think of one.

Magazines I read on a regular basis
Compleat Mother
Log Cabin
Veg Times

Eight movies I'd watch over and over
I don't like watching movies more than once.

Five things I do everyday
1. Share nunnie time with Finn
2. Tickle Ciera
3. Shower
4. Drink a coke (bad, I know)
5. Fend off dh's advances (Not really, but sometimes it feels like it, he is such a horny dude, lol)

About 5 years ago I...
Was pregnant with Ciera and taking college courses, learning that being married takes a ton of effort from both people.

About 2 years ago I...
Was totally over the moon over my newborn baby boy. Still am...

About 1 year ago I...
Moved to a small town. Started the most hellish year of my life.

Yesterday I...
Moved into my new place. Thrilled with it. Kids adjusting well so far.

Today I...
Unpacked, went grocery shopping, read to my kids, cleaned out the Monty, made dinner, did 5 loads of laundry.

Tomorrow I will...
Start my fall classes. Try to unpack some more. Maybe go to the fair.

Five items I have brand loyalty to (not that I can always have them!)
1. Horizon Organic milk
2. Coke
3. Seventh Gen toilet paper
4. LL Bean climbing pants
5. Stride Rites (for the kiddos)

Five snacks I enjoy
1. Ice cream
2. apples and cheese
3. popcorn
4. cheese
5. cheese

Five games I like
Scrabble
Madgab

Things I can't live without
My husband and kids, my family, my daily coke, my daily shower, my king bed.

Five things I'd buy with one thousand dollars
1. A couch (we need one, don't have one yet)
2. A futon (for the guest/office/playroom)
3. A really nice bicycle
4. A laptop
5. New bedding for our bed and the bunkbeds

My top five guilty pleasures
1. Coke
2. Movies in bed with dh after kids are asleep.
3. Internet time
4. Dreyers
5. sexy panties

2002-08-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking of things to say here (although I think the few people who used to read my blog must have given up by now since I have been pathetically unfaithful to it all summer) but just don't have the time. Well, I haven't been online too much either.
Tomarrow we are moving to our new place. It is a three bedroom duplex (not the one I mentioned earlier, that one didn't work out because the guy wanted us to wait to move in till Nov 1! No way.) Anyway, it is really nice, private and quite, just what we are looking for. And, and and, I am so excited, it has a master bathroom. I have always wanted one of these. I love that it has 2 bathrooms! LOL.
I have strep throat again, I just can't seem to kick it. Ugh.
My classes start Monday.
Finn is obsessed with Bambi. We really limit tv here, but every fricking couple of hours he is asking to watch Bambi. We always stop it right before the mom gets shot, even though, I don't think he even gets that part.
Anyway, once we get in our own place, I will hopefully have more time to blog. I'll have to think of something racy to post so that someone (anyone!) will read my poor, neglected blog.

2002-08-13T21:48:00.000-07:00

DH got a job!!!!
Yay, dh was offered a contract (he's a music teacher) at Denali Elm. which is the only public school here in town that is a Montessori school. We are very happy and he is really excited about the opportunity to teach at a school like this.

Well, hopefully we will be in our own place in a few weeks. We found a place to rent, 3 bedroom duplex, huge, an amazing deal, thanks to it being owned by an old family friend. We are supposed to move in on Sept. 1. I need to find some furniture after we move in. We need a couch, bunkbeds for the kids (I really want the kind that come apart so they can be used seperately later), a futon for the guest room, and I really want some nice mission style tables, coffee and end tables. Oh, we need nightstands too. Thankfully, we have a king-size bed, dining table and chairs and dressers. We like to keep things to a minimum so have never had a lot of furniture.
My brother and his wife are coming to visit. They get here on Sunday. Our friends from Hawaii are here and we have been doing stuff almost everyday. I am just so happy to be able to spend time with them. The girls are having a ball. We (the adults) are going to try to do a "date night" type of thing next week.

2002-08-04T18:44:00.000-07:00

Kids keeping me hopping. I have a cold which is miserable in the 80 degree weather. YES! 8fucking5 degrees today!
Too hot for this wimpy Alaskan.
Going out to dinner with friends who are visiting from Fairbanks. Our friends from Hawaii are here too and we have been seeing them, which is so much fun. I badly want them to move back (they are considering it) and am having a hard time keeping my yap shut about it!
Although, then we wouldn't get to go visit them next spring, which would be a total bummer!

2002-07-27T23:31:00.000-07:00

Nope, I never proofread or spellcheck. Apologies to the more sensitive readers. :P

2002-07-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

It worked. So, here's the scoop. No word on jobs. Can I just tell you that I am going out of my fucking mind? We are "supposed" to hear the beginning of August. I just can't believe these people, don't they realize that this is our life? I realize that to them it is just some piddly, tinky little decision and they don't care who is on the other end of it, but, come on! A little human compassion? Blehh.
Housing...hmmm, still don't know. Waiting for the letter from those dumbass student loan people. If it says the appropriate thing, then we are in business for a morgage. Which, is a very scary though. What?? Be an adult??? How could we ever manage that?
Kids - beautiful, sweet, eatemup kinda kids. They love summer. I love watching them love summer. Finn got a tiny little bike for his birthday and he has been having the time of his life riding that thing. I choke back tears seeing my baby in his little bike helmet cruising round the driveway.
School, well, finishing my incompletes. One of them is actually quite interesting. It is a sociology class, Women and Social Action. If you can get beyond the woman's dronny gramma's voice, it is very much worth the time put in. I signed up for my fall classes. I am very excited. I am so happy to be getting towards the end. It means I get to take all the fun classes!
Money, well, now there is an interesting topic. It is becoming apparent to me that we really don't have a lot of money. Dh, as a teacher, makes what we think is sufficient for us, right now at least. When my student loans come due, well, that will be another story. So, anyway, I am setting up childcare for this winter. Ciera is going to Montessori school. $390 a month. Ouch. The plan was for Finn to spend 3 mornings a week with his grandma. Well, I am not sure how that is going to work. Grandma (MIL) is getting old. Dh and I have noticed this summer that she isn't as frisky as she used to be, and kind of gets frustrated with the kids more that I am comfortable with. So, I spoke with an old friend of mine, my old LLL Leader, who does home child care. She has an opening, she would love to have Finn (who wouldn't? The child is a complete dream, mellowest little man I know.) and I feel comfortable with her watching him a couple of mornings a week. So, all told, child care will add up to $550 a month. Ouch, ouch. That is a lot of money for us. So, someone suggested that I call Childcare Assistance. I did. Can you believe that a teacher makes more that a thousand under the income limit for assistance? I was totally blown away. I didn't even think we would come close to qualifying. So, anyway. We aren't sure if we are going to use it. I am leaning towards yes, since this is hopefully my last year. It just seems like we could do so much with that much money per month.
Anyway, I can't imagine what people do with tons more money that we have. Well, I guess the only reason I would like a lot more money would be so I could get a nice house with some land. As it is, we are probably barely going to be able to get a 3 bedroom condo, since we have decided to stay in town. We drive a very nice vehicle, eat a lot of organic food and are generally happy with our financial life. I just can't imagine...

I am feeling content with dh. I just wish he wouldn't scratch his balls in front of me, when he is naked. Does he not realize how unattractive that is? It is his one glaring fault. Guess a girl can't have everything!

2002-07-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

Let's see if this will post before I type some long drawn out thing.
I am really looking foward to the new Twilight Zone series. Does that make me a total dork?

2002-07-19T00:36:00.000-07:00

Well, we finally got the computer set up. I have actually enjoyed my time without it. I was using the computers at the Uni (I am finishing up some incompletes from last summer) and enjoyed being able to check in, but not really being involved.
So, we had a little family party for Finn. CAKE! he kept screaming. The kid really has a sugartooth. I am hoping the weather holds out for his big party on Saturday, we are having it at a park, so hopefully it will be nice.
I am so digusted with housing prices here. We want to buy a house, or a condo or something. We qualify for some really tremendous interest rates, being first time home buyers and also considered "low income". So, our choices are really to either buy a condo here in Anchorage, it would probably only be 2 bedrooms, or buy a house or have one built in the Valley, on a little land, with at least 3 bedrooms. In other words something more long-term. The only thing is dh would have to commute for 9 months a year, about an hour each way. He would continue to look for a job out there, when contracts come up every year, so the commute could be for a year or it could be for far longer. Decisions, decisions...
Well, I have so much more I want to say, but I really need some sleep. Well, really, I am going to sneak into the kitchen and scrounge up some leftover birthday cake!

2002-07-08T12:38:00.000-07:00

Hello! Sorry it has taken me so long to update. We are well. Kids are having so much fun this summer, we have been doing a lot of camping and such. Unfortunately, no word on jobs yet (ARGHHHHH!). So we are trying to be patient and wait.
Finn's birthday is in 9 days and we are in the midst of planning his party. Ciera is very excited about getting to pick out a gift for him.
I will try and update when we get some news. We have been so busy!

2002-06-16T17:38:00.000-07:00

shit, I lost a whole long update. No time to rewrite the whole thing. Here is the condensed version:
visiting friends in Fairbanks. Huge deck, lots of sun. Kids having a ball in the kiddie pool, while the adults hang out at the shaded table. Late evening, cooling off, hop in the outdoor hot tub and relax. Spending most of the day and evening out on the deck. Heavenly.
Chuck had 3 job interviews. We should find out be the end of next week. Keeping all our fingers crossed.
Going to dinner for Father's Day.
We are all well, doing fabulous in fact. I am really enjoying this time with my kids and husband. Hope everyone else is well.

2002-06-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

Hello! I wanted to update my blog. We are in Anchorage, doing well. The weather has been fantastic and we are spending a lot of time outside, which has been so nice. We are catching up with old friends, Ciera is having a ball. Chuck gets here on Wed and I am really looking forward to it.
Yesterday we went to an airshow, the kids got to explore different airplanes. They even got a ride in the Hummer (military style). They screamed in laughter!
We went camping last week for a few nights. It was pretty chilly at night, but fun otherwise. We explored a tide pool, saw a bunch of crabs and sea stars.
I hope everyone is having a great summer. I am going to try to update my blog weekly, but it may not be that often. Take care!

2002-05-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

I deleted my last post. Not that I felt bad or thought it was the wrong thing to say, I would be happy to repeat what I said to anyone who asks, its just that I don't want that sort of thing right there at the top of my blog when I don't know when the next time I will be able to update will be.
Finn was sick last night, he threw up for a few hours. Poor little man. He was pretty pathetic. But he seems okay today, playing like normal. We are going to go ahead with our plans to fly out tonight, unless Ciera gets sick today. I think it will be okay because the flight is only about 35 minutes long. I am bummed though because dh and I were planning some intense "together" time, hehe, and that is just hard to do when you have a sick baby.
I can't believe in a few hours I am out of here. When I think back on this last year, on this place, it already seems like a dream. It just never seemed like it was my reality here.
I want to say a few things here before I go. I have no hard feelings towards anyone. I have had some hard times in dealing with some things being said, especially in regard to my "home" on the web. It makes me sad that (let me stress, IT SEEMS) that people are getting the idea that Motherspirit is a cultish, brainwashing, child abuse condoning website. It isn't, nothing could be farther from the truth. I know there are people (friends!) who don't think private forums work or that they are unhealthy, and you know, that's okay. I can accept that they think that. I do not want to lose friends over that issue. It just isn't worth it.
I am happy that I was able to work things out with Rhonda, that was a big accomplishment for me. My usual way of dealing with conflict is to walk away and pretend that person doesn't/didn't exist. I recongize that isn't a healthy way to deal with it and was glad to be able to work through it in a positive way.
I hope everyone has a good summer! I will try to update periodically.

2002-05-23T11:29:00.000-07:00

Help, I need some motivation! I have so much to do to get ready to leave tomarrow. So, of course, here I sit on my ass, putting it off. I did buy the tickets this morning. Maybe I will make my list here so that it will stare me in the face everytime I sit down to use the computer.
TO DO:
finish all laundry (2 loads left) *DONE*
pay last few bills *DONE*
vaccum *dh currently buying new bags*
paint Ciera's toenails *DONE*
forward emails to new address *DONE*
decide if we are going to buy a laptop for this summer, so dh can do work. *still fighting, er, debating, this issue*
remember to leave house and mail key with dh *need to do*
wash Finn's carseat cover *DONE*
call Montessori schools in Anchorage, set up tours for next week. *NOT DONE, going to put this off till Mon*
I guess that is about it, for today, like it isn't enough.
Oh, I forgot one thing, kisskisskiss my lovely kiddos. *DONE, DONE AND DONE*

2002-05-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

I have written several post on the current "issue." However, I will not be posting them. I am bowing out of any further discussion. I have been online all morning and I have boatloads of stuff to do. The kids and I are flying to Anchorage on Friday night and I have to get all our stuff packed.

2002-05-21T18:05:00.000-07:00

Finn has a new game. In the morning, I always wear a tshirt, no bra. He follows me around with a stool and everytime I stop walking, he puts the stool down right in front of my feet, sticks his head under my shirt, and procedes to nurse. He thinks it is fun! I try to sit on the couch and nurse him and he throws a fit, he wants me to stand up so he can "ney stool". Sometimes, he even directs me on where to go. "Here, mama. Ney stool here."

2002-05-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

Hmm, why am I feeling more and more relieved to be going offline for the summer?

2002-05-18T22:22:00.000-07:00

We had a really great day. I haven't been posting a lot lately because Blogger just isn't letting me. I am to lazy to use word, so my posts are constantly being lost.
So, it was incredibly nice here today. 74 degrees! Which is HOT. No comments from you southern Californians, now! We did a lot of packing and sorting and general house stuff. We went and had dinner at the Powder House and ate on the deck, overlooking the lake. We sold our couch. We got it last fall before we moved out here. We decided to see if we could get what we wanted for it, which was only a little under what we paid, so we wouldn't have to ship it back to Anchorage. Well, some lady bought it, for what we were asking for. Yay! We are going to put the money in savings and get another one when we get a place. We decided to go with the shippers instead of getting a Uhaul and dealing with the ferry and everything. It will be much easier and doesn't cost that much more.
We watched Not Another Teen Movie the other night. It was terrible, but had a few funny parts. I loved the music though. I ordered the CD from amazon. Bad me, but who can resist a Marilyn Manson cover of Tainted Love? Yes, I am a huge 80's freak. I love it. I also ordered the Wiggles - Shaky, Shaky because Finn loves that song Hot Potato.
Ciera wore her pink bodysuit (one of those ballet/gymnastic things) and her purple and green fairy skirt to dinner tonight. She looked so beautiful (in that 4 y.o. "Yes, I picked out my outfit and I am a fashion goddess" sort of way) and recieved many compliments. Her blue giraffe print waterboots helped, I am sure. Finn sat through dinner saying, "shoo, shoo, shoo bug. No doe in mouth, shoo."

2002-05-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

Hating life. I was reading over my blog, it has been so negative lately. Not to mention, terrible spelling and grammar. I do have to bitch a little more though. I am having a very bad day, literally on the verge of tears (and I never cry!). There hasn't been one big thing, just lots of little ones. I am getting really stressed out about moving.
Oh, and I hate it when people bid during the last 10 seconds on an auction. I know people do it, and it is totally legal and everything, but I HATE it when they do it to me. There were these Birks I really wanted for Finn, I check at 11 seconds and I was still the high bidder, but I lost them. Sob, I think because I am having such a bad day, this is really upsetting me. Which sounds ridiculous, it IS ridiculous. Sigh, it just sucks. I really wanted them for him. I am so picky about shoes but don't want to pay 60$ for a pair of sandals that he could outgrow in 2 months.
I noticed that in my post about money I said that you could only buy organic potatoes here. Well, that is wrong. You can get milk and butter too. And we do buy it. I think I was mainly thinking of produce.
To end this on a positive note, my birthday is coming up and I will be in town for it! Which means that I can go out! YAY! I haven't done that in 3 years, but thankfully, I can leave Finn now for a few hours.

2002-05-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

ATONEMENT. Dh felt bad,as he should have, when I finally went in and said, do you have any clue what day it is today? So, he spent the day making up for his insensitivity. He did a pretty good job. He cleaned the whole house, made a big lunch and took care of the kids so I could have some time to myself. It was okay.
Other things going on here. Well, it looks like the kids and I will be moving earlier than Chuck. We are going to go ahead of him so he can finish packing and cleaning. It was his idea, he thinks it will be easier with the kids not around, and I don't mind, less work for me! LOL.
I have been thinking a lot about the meds issue and have decided to wait a little while and see how things go. I want to see if this is more situational than an ongoing problem. I think it will help me tremendously just go get out of here. I cannot even articulate how much I am looking forward to leaving Cordova.
On the job front, putting out more applications. Chuck got a couple of calls, one from Seaside, Or. and one from a school on Whedbey Island. It is at Oak Harbor, the main town, I guess. He did talk to the head of the music department in Anchorage last Friday and he was very encouraging. He seems to think Chuck will not have a problem getting a job in Anchorage but the principals just aren't ready to hire yet. Lovely for them, kinda sucky for us.
We have been spending a lot of time at the park. The weather has been fantastic here. I love the smell of the sea.

2002-05-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

Someone want to explain to me why, on fucking Mother's Day of all days, my dh is still in bed? Leaving me to get up with kids, get breakfast, change shitty diaper, wipe shitty bum, deal with shitty whining. I am seriously pissed.

2002-05-07T15:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, some more on this. Dh suggested maybe I needed some anti-depressent meds. I REALLY balk at the idea. I mean, I have no problems with other people taking them. I believe some people need them. I just never believed that I was one of them. For me, it is like admitting a weakness. What? You mean I can't do it all? No, I can, I am strong. I can prove my strenght. Ugh. But I know that it isn't really a strenth/weakness issue. I have been surpised many times to learn that certain people are taking medication for depression. People that I admired, and still do admire, for being strong and having it together. It's just a very hard issue for me. I want to live as naturally as possible, this is something that I strive for and it just doesn't seem natural to have to put a chemical substance into your body. Maybe I just need to find some good weed. : P

2002-05-07T14:55:00.000-07:00

Could I have PPD? What is going on here? I cannot pull myself out of this funk. I put on a happy face for my kids and my family but it is all a big farce. They must think I am crazy because I act happy and together but then get irrationally angry about the tiniest things. I feel very much off balance. Part of it is probably isolation. I have been dealing with 9 months of feeling extremely isolated. Maybe it is finally just making me crack? I don't know.

2002-05-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

Today we should find out if Chuck got the job. Waiting, waiting, waiting....

2002-05-05T02:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, several things to address tonight.
First, I just love my kids. We had a nice day. Dh is gone on a trip again, so it was just the three of us. We went to a parade, went grocery shopping, and made oatmeal cookies. They took a long soak in the tub and I got lots of laundry folded. Aside from Finn's insistance that the only way to get his sister's attention is to repeatedly hit her, it was a very good day. I am finding parenting to be getting a little easier lately. I think a large part of this is due to the fact that Finn is getting older. It just feels less physically demanding. He has really cut back on his nursing and is currently only nursing once at night, so I am sure that that helps a lot. I just wish Finn would stop hitting. I mean, I just don't get it. He is the most mellow, delightful little guy. He is completely sweet. But he just wails on Ciera. And it makes me very angry. It really does. I think because after he does it, he laughs and dances around (WTF?) while Ciera sits there and cries. It actually kind of scares me, his lack of empathy. Is this normal? Ciera went through one VERY short hitting phase. Finn has been in one for about 6 months. I am losing my mind. If it wasn't for this one issue, they would get a long great. And my life would be MUCH more peaceful. As it is, literally, every time I turn my back (and many times when I am right there) he is hitting her or throwing something at her. I have tried everything I can think of, it seems like nothing is getting through to him. : (
Secondly, I tried out my cloth pads yesterday. Finn insisted I was wearing a diaper. Ummm, no honey, mama isn't wearing a diaper, it's a cloth pad. No, pretty cloud diaper. Well, okay then. It is a cloud print. The whole experience was a little wierd for me.
Ciera kept asking me all day if it was time for bed yet. She really misses her dad. She knows he is coming home tomarrow and she wanted to go to bed so that she could see him.
My mom asked me again if I thought Finn was going to wean by the end of the summer. I told her that it was highly doubtful. She really wants her and I to go on a trip. She suggested we go to Seattle for 4 days at the end of the summer, Finn would be a little over 2. The thing is, I know she doesn't really want me to wean him, she doesn't really think it is wierd or anything, she just wants to spend some time alone with me. We have always been very close. I am her only daughter and I know she misses me. BUT...I am not willing to leave Finn. Even if he wasn't nursing (HA!) I wouldn't want to leave him. She was cool about it though and said that maybe we could try next summer.
I feel like I am just going on and on. I really miss my dh. I am glad he is coming home tomarrow.
Oh, we watched the Proud Family (tried to find a link, it is a cartoon that is on Nick) last night. It was funny, except when they were trying to make the twins cry. We try to watch it when we remember it is on. We are usually cracking up.
I have been reading the blogs a lot today. I find it interesting to see who comments on who's blog and who doesn't comment on other blogs. hmmm.
Okay, finally off to bed. Updated my links tonight. Hope they work because I sure as hell am not messing with them again tonight.

2002-05-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, about money. We are not struggling right now. We are doing very well. Dh makes enough to cover all our bills and we are slowly paying off debt. Now, we are by no means rolling in it. There are things we need (like a big bed for Ciera, she is still sleeping on the toddler bed and she is quite big for her age) but I am continually putting them off because we desperately want to get out of debt. We have plenty of food but we cannot eat organically. We live in a very small rural area where there is one grocery store and they don't carry organic food. Well, I think potatoes. We are renting and will be for a very long time. We have a nice vehicle. We do see a ND, but because our insurance covers it, I don't think we could if it didn't. Our income has always been about half of what we are making now. I think we have it EASY right now, relative to my experience. There have been plenty of times when we didn't have money for groceries or rent and really had to scramble. I know what that panicky feeling is like, not knowing how you are going to feed your family, and certainly not worrying about whether that food is organic or not.
I do not have a problem with people who are "affluent", which I believe is a relative term. My father does very well, one of my best friends has tons of money. Her kids go to a private, fabulous montessori school. They go on vacation usually twice a year. They have everything they want and need. She can stay home and NEVER worry about her finances. Ever. There has never been an issue about money between us until this year. She REALLY wants me to put Ciera into her son's school. Now, I would fucking love to put Ciera in that school, it would be a dream. However, it is never going to happen. I do not have almost 500$ a month for it. She has pressured me and pressured me. I finally had to tell her, there was no way I could afford it. I hate to admit it, but I hated her a little for making me say this to her. It wasn't like she didn't know. I felt like I had to point out and apologize for not being able to afford "the best" for my kid. This created a small issue between us. I felt like she was being extremely insensitive. She had projected her situation onto mine and they are WORLDS apart. For the first time ever, I felt the "money issue" between us. And if FUCKING sucked. But you know what, I am almost positive that it sucked more for me. Because I STILL can't send my kid to that school.
But then I start thinking, how fucked up is this? Is that school worth that money? We haven't even decided if we are sending Ciera to school or homeschooling. There are so many things like this in life. Our society (and especially the altera/natural/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit society) puts so much pressure to provide our children with the "BEST". And tells us we are less of a parent if we don't. Well, I am not buying that. Yes, organic food is important and I will strive to give my child as much as I can. However, I will strive more to feel my child healthy food and help them to have a healthy attitude about food. I will not teach them to look down on their little friend Suzy because she is eating a regular apple. I will take my children to the ND for as long as I can, however, if I am not in a place where I can afford it, I will find the best damn doctor I can. I will do the best I can with what I am given and I will not let anyone tell me that I am depriving my children of something. I know they don't feel deprived.
Our goal, as parents and a family, is not to work our asses off so that we can make more money so we can have a huge house, with a huge morgage, or 2 new cars or GAP clothes or the most expensive waldorf toys or a Britax carseat or whatever. Our goal is to have a comfortable lifestyle that lets us spend as much time as a family as we can. This is OUR goal. I have no problem at all with other people who have different goal or are able to afford those types of things and still spend as much time as they would like with their families. But I will not let other people get me down by telling me, or even implying, that I am not doing the best I can for my family.
I think neccesities and income are all relative.
My apologies if this offended anyone. It wasn't meant to, these are my thoughts about the money issue. And this is my blog so I guess this is the appropriate place to put them.
Oh, and sorry for typos, no time to proofread.

2002-05-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

Oh, I forgot. A school in Washinton called today for dh. They are interested in him teaching at their school.

2002-05-01T16:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, giving it another go. On Sunday we went out the road. It was great fun. I even got sunburned, I always do. The kids didn't. They had an absolute ball. There were about 6 other families out there with lots of little kids around. They played in the pond and made a huge mud pit. Ciera and Finn both cried when we had to go home, we had been there for 5 hours! Had a nice bbq lunch out there too.
On Saturday we went to the health fair. The "health fair" is really just an excuse here to have a community get-together. Everyone was there. The WIC lady asked if I wanted a sippy cup for Finn. I said no. She asked if he used a bottle. I said no, and proudly exclaimed that we were still nursing. She said, oh that is just wonderful! I hardly ever meet moms who are still nursing thier bigger babies, I am so glad for your son, on and on. It was great, she was so positive about it. That has been my experience with WIC though. I don't know if it is just Alaska or regional or what but I have had NOTHING but encouragement to breastfeed here. We are not on WIC now, but have been in the past, and in both Anchorage and Fairbanks they were VERY supportive of nursing, even EN. I attended a WIC peer counsoling training and got involved with that in Fairbanks. It was so nice, I took Finn to the full day training and there were lots of little babies around, you were not expected to leave your babe at home. Anyway, I think Alaska is very progressive in these areas. I know we have a really high rate of breastfeeding, there are lots of LLL groups and LCs. Alaska is one of two states where Medicaid will pay for a home birth. Anyway, I just think it's nice.
Hmm, what else did I want to say. I am feeling pretty down about my friend situation. Everyone knows we are leaving now and I can totally feel people withdrawing. It makes me really sad. One of my good friends called me on Saturday, she lives in Hawaii and we talk about once a month. It was so nice to hear a FRIENDLY voice. I miss her. We talked a lot about friends. I was telling her how I am striving to make friends who I have things in common with, besides that we just both have kids. All my friends that I have made in the last few years have basically become my friend because we have kids. I hate that. I miss my old friends. I miss being friends with someone because you have a common interest in art or music or whatever. I need friends who will feed my soul, and who I can give them something back. I feel like so many of my relationships now are on such a superficial level. I love my friends who I can not see for a long time and when we see each other, it's like we just saw each other last week. Nothing is lost during that time of absence, we just pick it up where we left off. Those are my real friends. I am lucky to have a few of these friends in my life.
Anyway, so about this new board, mamamoon, or whatever it is called. I have nothing against them. I like a lot of the people there. I did feel irritated that we were listed as a "less than" site and were linked to without permission. I know that there are links to sites that people don't have permission to link to, just don't bother, which is fine if is a large, commercial information site. I think everyone knows that MS is not that type of site. We have tried to keep MS small and intimate. I would have been okay with being linked to our attic but most of the people who post on our boards are not "less seasoned" parents. I just don't get that. I don't know, just the whole tone of that page was wierd. It is sad that they closed it down, I will miss keeping up with some of those people.
I guess I should go, my house is STILL a huge fucking mess. I just cannot keep up with Finn the destroyer.

2002-04-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

Arg, I lost a huge post last night. I hate that. If I ever meet that blogger guy, I am gonna kick his ass. He always eats my posts.
Okay, I am not a total lunatic. I know blogger isn't a person, however, it makes me feel better to think of him that way, then I can pretend I am going to kick his ass.
Will repost long post later, maybe during Finnster's nap.

2002-04-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

I am so annoyed with Finn. First of all, why the hell does he have to pick Saturday of all days to wake up at 5:30AM. I stayed up late with dh so I only got 3 1/2 hours of sleep. Secondly, does he have to go around doing every little thing that he can to annoy me. I can see it in his face, he is looking to get a rise out of me, and I must admit, it is working. Third of all, MUST he hit Ciera all the freaking time? I don't get this, we have tried everything, over and over and over, and nothing works. He still hits. It is getting harder and harder to take. He used to do it for attention but he knows now. He knows we don't want him to do it, he knows it hurts her. I am sick and fucking tired of being a referee all the time. What a lame way to start a Saturday, usually my favorite day of the week.

2002-04-25T15:57:00.000-07:00

If anyone is interested, an update on the job front. Well, dh has the second interview with the mat-su district on Monday. It was supposed to be yesterday but he has a wierd prep time and they couldn't get it set up. So, that is exciting, although we are trying not to get our hopes up. He just got a call today from a school in Anchorage and they want to set up an interview. Another school called but we aren't interested (it is in a very rural area and I need to finish at the U.). So, there are prospects, it just gets frustrating to feel like you are putting out so much effort and things are moving SO SLOWWWW.
We spent two hours at the park this afternoon, ate lunch there. It was really nice. We haven't really been out of the house since last week, since I have been sick. We met up with a friend and her girl and her daycare kids (2). I think we are going to be spending a lot of time at the park this summer. It seems like the kid are at good ages for it. Ciera totally does her own thing or plays with Finn. Finn is old enough to go on most of the things himself and is always good at occupying himself.
So, I am doing the weight watchers thing. I have been for awhile but slacked off lately. I started again, being very strict, on Tues. I am committed to staying away from the scale till next Tues. I get so obsessed with the scale instead of focusing on how I feel or what is good for my body.
Okay, I have more I want to say but have some stuff I have to get done. Hopefully, I will get back to it this evening.

2002-04-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks y'all. Man, that strep really kicked my ass but I am definitly feeling better. My throat doesn't hurt too much anymore but I am pretty wiped out. I am going to try to take a nap when dh gets home.
Finn is getting so good about playing by himself. Ciera was much older before she could entertain herself. He really gets into toys. He tells himself stories in his own language and sings songs. It is completely adorable. He loves to play with Ciera's dolls. We have a ton of fisher price people and animals and he really gets into those also. He just recently started being able to do the Legos (the big ones) and not get frustrated becuase he didn't have the skills to manipulate them into the shapes he wanted.
Well, I better try to at least get the mess from lunch cleaned up. Thankfully, I have leftover Mexican chili from Sunday. We added some rice to it, so I think we will have it in wraps with cheese and lettuce. Yum, glad my throat is feeling better. I haven't really eaten in almost 3 days! Not that I am wasting away or anything, LOL.

2002-04-21T15:15:00.000-07:00

I am sick. So sick...ugh. My throat hurts like you wouldn't believe. I can feel the pain all the way up into my ears. I just now got out of bed (well, I was up for an hour this morning), dh has been watching kiddos all day. I can't remember the last time I felt this bad.

2002-04-19T11:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, I think I got all my links updated and fixed. Again, if you are on my list but don't want to be, let me know. If I missed you and you would like to be added, let me know.

2002-04-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here waiting, waiting, waiting for Ciera to go to sleep. It is 8:33. I need her to go to sleep now so that I can clean up the kitchen before 9 so that I can watch Judging Amy. I have never actually seen that show but they are rerunning the one on EN so I really want to watch it.
Today sucked. Sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the world. And what the hell happened to all my friends? Hrmphh.

2002-04-16T01:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, I went and fixed all my links (and added Tanya!) and I obviously forgot to save the changes, errrr. Will work on it again later. Too late tonight. Finnster is sick. He has had a low-grade fever for two days now. A slight cough but other than that, NOTHING! What is going on? My kids NEVER get fevers. I think Ciera has has 2 or 3 in her whole life. This is the second one Finn has had. I think I must be wierd. I have had two fevers in my whole life. Is that strange? I have had infections, very bad viruses and never get a fever. I wonder about it sometimes. Maybe I am, you know, like Ice Woman or something? Maybe I have some untapped super power? Ya think? Nah, I guess I am just cold blooded. And obviously tired, lol.
Chuck has his big interview tomarrow. PLEASE let him get this job. I want to know where we are going to be next year, hell, hopefully for the next 10 years. I am so fucking sick and tired of moving around. Ha, speaking of moving around. We decided what we are doing this summer. We decided not to rent an apartment till the end of summer. We want to do a lot of traveling this summer so we are going to borrow Chuck's parents' travel trailer, hook it up to the Monty and do it. I am very excited. I think it is the perfect summer for it. Chuck wants to try to drive up to BC, which would be fun, long though. When we need a break from traveling, we will just hang out at Chuck's parents' house. So, we will probably start looking for a place mid-August. I am so psyched about Chuck having the summer off. I cannot wait to have some good, extended family time.
Anyway, I will be hoping all day tomarrow.

2002-04-14T01:20:00.000-07:00

Ciera is drawing! And painting! Look at what she painted for me the other day. She said that it was for me because it was beautiful and that I am beautiful (OMG, heart melting!).

Isn't that just fucking amazing!
She is getting excited about playing t-ball this summer, she asked to play! She wants me to have another baby. I think we all know she doesn't really comprehend how life changing that would be for her. I makes me sad to tell her that mom probably isn't going to have any more babies because it makes her so sad. She is totally infatuated with any babies we see. My friend Jill told me that her son, who is 3, told her that Ciera told him she wanted him to have a baby for her! OMG, LOL! She told me today that when she was an adult, which, FYI, will happen "in five years" and she lived by herself, she is going to buy "a lots" of baby chicks to live with her, "so they won't be lonely!" She has just been cracking me up lately. I feel like we are getting closer again.

Finn, my sweetest boy, is getting so big. I put a pair of size 3T pants on him today and they fit! He is quite big for his age. He is really starting to talk. His favorite thing to say is "cheese peas", lol, the kid is a cheese fiend. He has been asking to nurse, he says nay, lately instead of signing. I think it is so sweet that he is talking, but have to admit, I miss his signs. I always felt like I was on such a, I don't know how to explain it, I guess private level when he signed with me. Like it was just for me. His favorite book is We Like to Nurse. He flipping loves this book and we read it at least 50 times a day. He calls it the "nay book". On one hand, I love that he is getting older. I love the bond we have. On the other hand, it is really hitting me that this is it. I was thinking today that when we move maybe we shouldn't take the high chair and I almost started crying. It is definitly a bittersweet thing. I know he is still young, but I am just seeing the future a lot lately. He is completely and unbearably sweet and I am just as over the moon for him now as I was the day he was born.

Well, my husband is coming home tomarrow and we are all very excited. It has been a long few days. He is taking Monday off to spend with us so that will be nice.

2002-04-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

Ugh, obviously there are some problems with a couple of my links. I will try to get them fixed tonight.
Wow, trying to think of something intersting to say and coming up with not a thing. Maybe I just never realized how boring my life is. Oh no, wait, I thought of something. According to Ciera, apparently, people "started" (meaning came about) when they were born out of a giants belly. Hmmm. I wonder where she got this from, lol.

2002-04-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

Testing to see if my new blog links work. Chantele, Larissa and Freyja, if you ladies don't want to be listed, let me know and I will take you off. I think the others I added all have me listed on thier blogs. Well, off to watch reruns of Mad About You.

2002-04-11T18:19:00.000-07:00

Well, we have been back for a few days but I have been so busy I haven't blogged at all. Today, though, my ass has been parked in front of the computer ALL DAY! Dh is away and I am lonely without him. The thought of him not coming home tonight is very depressing.
Finn is running around the house with his cute bare butt showing. Ciera is in a VERY bad mood today. She doesn't want me to do anything with her but keeps whining about everything. I think she is adjusting to being back home and I know she is missing her daddy, she keeps asking me when he is coming home. Finn brought me Chuck's favorite sweater out of the laundry room and with a puzzled look said, "Daddy? Bye-bye?" Awww. He has really gotten into his dad lately.
We just got a couple of feet of snow. Can I just tell you how much this ...oh shit. Literally. Back from cleaning baby shit of of the cream Berber rug. Ewww. phew. That cute little bare butt can be lethal, I tell ya. This has happened a few times, Finn pooping on the floor, he is nude a lot and every time he has a flipping cow. He gets very upset that there is poop touching his body. The boy likes to be clean.
Anyway, I better go get dinner for the littles. Although, I think MY appetite is gone for the evening.

2002-03-28T14:43:00.000-08:00

I have been really busy the last few days. On Tuesday, we went to kid gym. Then right after that we went to an Easter egg dying party. That was fun. Ciera is VERY proud of her eggs. She won't let us eat them. : )

Last night was Chuck's fundraising dinner. His band is going to regionals (some sort of music competition) in Fairbanks and they are trying to raise enough money that his whole jazz band can go. Sherrie watched the kids for 2 hours and I went and helped. We now have a huge pot of spagetti sauce and 5 loaves of garlic bread in the freezer.
I am really battling with some personal issues right now. I can't understand why I am constantly sabatoging myself.
We are leaving tomarrow evening, our flight leaves at 7:30. I am trying to get the house really clean today so that tomarrow all I have to do is pack. I do have all the laundry caught up so that helps. I don't know if I will have time to post tomarrow so I hope everyone has a fabulous Easter and next week.

2002-03-26T00:30:00.000-08:00

So, I have been thinking a lot about this issue of kids. We have two. I feel perfectly happy with two kids. Right after Finn was born, I thought for sure we would have one more but as he gets older, instead of feeling baby lust, I feel more and more content with just two. As he gets closer to two, I am getting a little more freedom and find this very satisfying. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I got pregnant at 19 so have never really felt like I had any time to myself? I do know that I have strong interests in things besides having more kids and staying home. Now, I must clarify, I think it is great for women to do this, if they are happy, then GREAT! However, for me, I know that it won't be like that. I would like to get a job when the kids are school-age. I am not sure if we will be homeschooling, we are still looking into it and deciding. It is interesting because Chuck is an educator and he feels more strongly about homeschooling than I do. Who knows where we will be by then, it will just depend on many different factors. Anyway, back to babies. I have a close friend who is due in a couple of months and my genuine feeling is that I am so completely thrilled for her but there is this voice in the back of my head screaming, I am sooooo completely thrilled that it isn't me.
It's funny too, how people are starting to encourage us to have more kids. It's like now that Chuck has a "real" job and makes some money, all of a sudden, it's a good thing for us to have them. I just don't understand that. If we want more kids or not, it has nothing to do with money. I have also gotten several comments saying that because I am so young (I will be 25 in a few months) I could have a few more in 10 or so years. I really don't see that happening though.

Oh, I forgot to report. I went to Dressed to Thrill. Had a lovely time, Finn slept the whole time I was gone. Got a wee bit drunk, but nothing too shocking.
Hmm, what else. My house is a disaster. Which is funny, harhar (not really) because earlier today I posted about how clean it was. Gawds, I cannot believe it can go from spotless to disaster in a few freaking hours. I will be happy when Finn is out of this "lets see how many toys we can get out and strew around the house so mommy can step on sharp toys and I can laugh gleefully at her while she hops around shouting strange, foreign words and making crazy faces" stage. Ciera is not much help in the clean up department either. Good thing she has an abundance of good qualities to make up for that.
I am off to bed. Had a late night last night (dh and I finally had a chance to get a little frisky! woohoo!). I have been dragging all day, still trying to give up that DAMN caffine. And no, it isn't working.

2002-03-25T14:58:00.000-08:00

My house is wonderfully clean and organized. I am caught up on the laundry too. Here is my list of things to do(boring for poor readers but beneficial to me!):
clean out fridge
clean out car
help Chuck prepare for and put on Spagetti dinner for jazz band
Easter egg dying party on Tues.
pack for trip
Chuck's ticket
check in insurance for the Monty
job stuff for Chuck

2002-03-22T11:32:00.000-08:00

Wow, I actually have nothing else to do right now! Finn is happily engrossed in his puzzles, the house is clean. So, we are trying to decide where we want to live. If Chuck gets a job in Anchorage, we could live in the Valley and he could commute. He really doesn't want to live in the city. So, I found a house that we MIGHT be able to buy. We haven't even checked into financing and stuff. It is a cheap house, but that is what we want, we don't want a huge morgage and we want to be on a 15 year plan instead of 30. So, here is a link if anyone is interested:
http://www.alaskarealestate.com/scripts/resdetail.idc?ln=1211005

It looks like they added a master bedroom off the back, which has a door to go out the the back yard, that would be a great family room. It is only on 1/2 an acre, that is the only bad thing. It is relatively new, 11 years old. I like the carpet and linolium, the kitchen cabinets need a little big of work. I really like the openness of the kitchen/dining/livingroom. Maybe we will go look at it while we are there.

This afternoon we are going over to Janice's house for playgroup. All Ciera's 4 y.o. friends will be there, we go there a lot on Friday afternoons. All of us mamas are making Marti Gras beads. Tomarrow night is the local Dressed to Thrill night, which is the town-wide ladies night out. The theme this year is Marti Gras, I think it will be fun. It is at the Elkes, which is literally across the street so I can go guilt-free, knowing that Chuck can call me and I can be home in less than a minute. I am soooo looking forward to a night out with the girls.

2002-03-22T11:10:00.000-08:00

Conversation I had with Ciera this morning:
C: Last night, in my dream, I was a pirate!
Me: Cool! What did you do?
C: Sailed the high seas!
Me: Wow, that sounds like fun.
C: Yes, and you were the yo-ho.

What the hell is a yo-ho?
The whole dialogue made me laugh, my girl is so funny.

2002-03-21T11:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, here's the deal. Basically, the principal manipulated the situation over Chuck's renewal contract and forced his resignation. He told Chuck that the school board had decided not to offer him another contract. This made Chuck feel like shit (and was very puzzling because all the parents LOVE him). It wasn't too big of a deal though because we had already decided to leave. The teachers' union representative approached him the other day and asked what happened. Chuck told him the board had decided not to rehire him. The rep said, hmmm, that's wierd, I was at that board meeting and your name wasn't brought up. WHAT??? So, basically, the principal took it upon himself to tell Chuck he wasn't going to be rehired. He wants a more experienced teacher. Well, thats a joke! I mean, Anchorage, Mat-su and Fairbanks and several other bush type communities all need music teachers. The man is naive along with being a slimebag. So, I think the shit is going to hit the fan. The principal basically went above the boards' heads. In this town, that will NEVER fly. This was the principal's first year and I think he has no idea how stupid he is being. Like I said, it doesn't really matter because we had already decided to leave, but I think it is so completely screwed up and shitty for this guy to play these psychological games with Chuck. HE basically told Chuck that the board fired him, but really it was him who didn't want him next year. They guy does not speak for the WHOLE school board. Oh well, it will all come out in the wash. I just hate that he did this too Chuck. This was his first year teaching, he made mistakes, he knows that, its his first FUCKING year! But he totally put his heart into this job, he loves those kids, the parent's really like him, and he gets treated like SHIT! This is what he hates about teaching. He loves music, loves the students, FUCKING abhors the stupid political school district scene.
So, about my cute kids. Ciera can write things now. AMAZING. She writes Ciera, Finn, Jamie, apple, lettuce. She wants to change her clothes every 5 minutes and is TOTALLY into this princess stuff. She likes to pretend she is the bride. Finn is the GLOOM (OMG, cracks me up!) She insists that she is marrying Finn. She used to want to marry me but now she wants to marry Finn. Hrmpah. She makes a paper path, sets up two chairs, she sits on one and Finn sits on the other and well, I guess that makes them married!
Finn is talking quite a bit more now. He says, stick, clean, eat, mine (ugh!), RA (he can't say ciera), butt-butt, outside, bye-bye, milk, nana, pen, nap, and a few other assorted words. He has also been screaming a lot lately when he gets frustrated, which throws us for a loop becuase his personality is soo mellow.
Things to do today:
finish up laundry
go to PO
think about what to make for dinner
library story time
try and work on this wall hanging thing for the kids
try not to drink anything with caffine

2002-03-19T19:35:00.000-08:00

I am so fucking pissed off. That rat bastard of a principal that chuck works under totally screwed him. What a fucking son of a askldjf;asdkljf;sladkjfklsdl;as.dfd..I hope he dies a long slow death while someone pulls his pubic hair out one by one..okay,more later. can't even type right now.

2002-03-18T00:45:00.000-08:00

This made me laugh. I was doing some research on teacher shortages and for some reason this came up. The woman mentions breastfeeding but spells it oddly, I am wondering if it is correct.
Anyway, Anchorage got 28 inches of snow in a 24 hour period. Can you believe that? Over 2 ft. Schools are closed tomarrow. You know, some school districts close when they get like an inch or so of snow. Not Alaska. I bet if it would have been less than 2 ft. they wouldn't have closed them.
We didn't get snow here. The weather was rather dreary. I spent most of the day cleaning. My whole house is clean, yay! We went through the kids toys yesterday. We took three big garbage bags down to the Sally. It is amazing how toys accumulate. We are going to go through them again before we move.
Chuck's parents offered us an interesting idea to think about. They are retired and have wanted to travel for a few years. They said if Chuck got a job in Anchorage, they would like us to housesit for a year. They have a travel trailer and want to go travel around the midwest (where MIL's family live) and the southwest (where Chuck's siblings live). Anyway, this would be fantastic for us. The housing market in Anchorage is terrible. A nice 2 bedroom apartment costs about 900-1000 a month. Townhouses and condos are closer to 1200 a month. UGh. Anyway, they have a 4 bedroom house and a huge backyard. If we saved the amount we would have been paying on rent, we could have a large down payment to buy a house the next year. We really want a house but it is so hard to save up for a down payment when you have to pay such high rent. Anyway, I think it would work out well...as long as they weren't there. LOL.
I am starting to get excited about finishing school. Now that we know we are leaving, I know I will be able to finish. I am not sure if I will do it all in one year or spread it out and do it in two. I have about 24 credits left to take. My major is journalism and I have a minor in womens studies and one in enviornmental studies. In the past, I was more interested in womens studies but more and more lately I am getting into enviornmental stuff. (stuff, what a wierd word when you really think about it.) I took and environmental reporting class last summer and LOVED it. It was very interesting. I wrote a ten page article on organic farming in the Valley. I actually had the best time doing all the research and talking with different people. It also solidified my interest in longer type writing. I have never wanted to report things but love doing stuff like articles for magazines and such. My teacher encouraged me to send my article in to some different mags but I never did, with trying to move and all. Anyway, I look forward to what comes next year.
I think my online style is so different than my IRL style. I spell terribly online, it isn't that I can't spell, its just that I never bother to correct it. I never have time! And I am always being interupted so my writing is terribly choppy. Oh well.

2002-03-15T22:07:00.000-08:00

I got this off of Heather That is one Freaky looking duck.

All ducks aren't sweet and innocent and you prove that. You have a nasty streak.

Find your inner rubber ducky.

2002-03-14T23:49:00.000-08:00

What is your meaning of life?

HAHAHAHAHA. And I didn't even cheat!

2002-03-14T23:19:00.000-08:00

I haven't been in a blogging type of mood lately. The kids have been sick, colds. No fun. Well, we are definitly moving. Chuck turned in his letter of resignation, later that day, we found out he wasn't being offered another contract. The board had voted the day before but no one found out till after Chuck gave them his letter. Honestly, we were shocked to find out. The parents in the community are all in an uproar, the really like Chuck, think he has done a fantastic job. I am not sure why he wasn't reoffered the contract. There are some wierd politics going on this year, new pricipal, new superintendant, some power struggles. Oh well. I feel bad for Chuck because he worked his heart out for those kids. He spent so much extra time and he really CARES! I think that is why the parents are pissed. Really, the job should have had an experienced teacher. It wasn't really a good idea to stick a first year teacher in a K-12 position. It is just too much work. They even admitted that it was two jobs in one.
Well, onward and upward. It feels good that we made the decision before we found out about the contract though. And we are already getting inquiries from other schools about next year. Anchorage has 5 music positions open. One is in Eagle River, which is sort of a suburb of Anchorage, which would be rad because we wouldn't be IN the city. One of them is South Anchorage and would be very cool too. We heard from the Valley principal. They are doing in district hiring until the third week in April so we just have to wait to find out about that.
My fingernails keep catching my eyes. I NEVER wear fingernail polish but did tonight. We went to the drugstore today because I had promised Ciera we would buy some pink nail polish. I picked out a dark purple/brown and am wearing it. I am so not used to it. I like the color though.
I am getting excited about spring break. I can't wait to visit some old friends in Fairbanks. One of my good friends live there and her son is a little bit young than Finn. Last time we saw them, Finn was only 10 months old!
My kid never sleeps. Why don't I just get used to it? Instead I fume and stomp around when he is still awake at 1AM. Maybe he never needs to sleep but I do!
Can't think of anything else to say. I had this big long post written out in my head about consumerism and big corporations and now I don't have the energy to type it. That always happens, I have great ambitions to write something of meaning and I always end up writing mundane shit that I am sure bores the crap out of everyone. On that note, lol, off to catch up on all the blogs.

2002-03-11T10:36:00.000-08:00

I AM THE EVIL STALKER! LOL, no really. It is my ISP that keeps hitting blogs over and over and over. I don't know why, I have called and emailed the ISP people and they are working on it. I thought they had gotten it resolved but obviously not (sorry Chantele and Kayla and anyone else). I should check my stats because it happens to me too. Very annoying. I'll have to email those bastards again. Again, sorry if it is fucking up anyone's blogs.
I have to laugh though because I freaking with I had time to sit here all day on the puter but with two kiddies, there is just no way that is gonna happen.

2002-03-08T23:38:00.000-08:00

Yippy skippy. Today is Friday, I love Fridays. I love the anticipation, knowing that the whole weekend is before us. We rented Larry and Silent Bob Strike Back (or something like that, dh has been waiting to see it). I am waiting for him to wake up from putting the kiddos down so that we can watch it.
This week was bad for me. I have been pretty depressed, stayed in the house all week. Since we decided we are leaving, I have seen myself withdraw from my friends and normal activities here. I don't know why, I just don't feel like doing anything. I feel like I am sort of floating right now, I have no direction.
Chuck has a good job prospect. It is in the Valley, a new school that just opened up last year. The principal is an old family friend of ours, he was the principal of my Jr. High and my brothers' Jr. High. It is a Jr. High music position. I am trying not to get my hopes up but it is exactly the type of job Chuck wants in the exact area we want to live in. I guess we shall see.
Ciera is making up all kinds of wierd words and phrases and telling me that she is speaking spanish. I may have to look into that Muzzy stuff because what she is speaking sounds more like Chinese than Spanish.
OMG, I was dying laughing today. I was putting Finn in the car and I usually keep snacks in there for the kids. I call them treats (because you know, you label something a treat and it is a big deal. If you just said, oh, here have a fruit bar, or have a cracker, there is no way they would want it. But if it is a TREAT! Well, that is a different story.) Anyway, Finn is sitting there saying TEAT, TEAT, TEAT. I am scratching my head thinking, what in god's name is he saying...well, finally I figured out what you, oh fabulously smart reader, had probably figured out about a paragraph ago. My son was asking for a treat. Sweet baby boy.

2002-03-06T00:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, going to work on this tomarrow. I have the MM code but the words are blue and you can't really see them. For some reason, I can't get them to change to black. hmmm.

2002-03-04T15:38:00.000-08:00

Please don't question our sanity! We really are sane. We decided to move. No, really, that is our final decision. We had several long talks about it. Dh was starting to feel more sketchy about current job. I also feel like he finally understood how I have been feeling all winter. How isolated I feel, how much I miss our family and friends, how bored I am, how I just have these intense feelings that make me want to howl at the moon.
So, we are moving. We aren't sure when, it depends on where/when Chuck gets a job. We are hoping either Fairbanks or Anchorage. Both have positives and negatives. Fairbanks is more extreme weather-wise and not much family around. But we have a lot of good friends and could live in student housing, which is cheap. We know two couple from when we lived there. One of them, I still maintain pretty close contact with. Jess was telling me that there are two new couples and the four of the families have really become a community. They do a lot of trading childcare, most of these people are students, so they trade for a couple hours here and a couple there. I would love to be able to attend two classes a week and have Finn hang out with these people. I think he will be ready by then, he will be 2, and I totally trust our friends. We'll see though.
Anchorage would be great because we would be close to our families. MIL loves helping with the kids and there is a fabulous waldorf school Ciera could go too. It is really expensive to live there though, rentals are so overpriced. There is a fantastic HFS though, so that would be good. The major drawback is that Anchorage is much more of a city than Fairbanks. We are not really city folks, so that would suck.
Really, though, it all comes down to where Chuck gets a job. I would be thrilled with either place. I am happy that he wants to leave Cordova. I know I could have forced the issue and he would have left for me but now HE wants to leave too, so I feel like we are on the same page.
The first week in April is spring break. We are flying to Anchorage, staying there for a few days, driving up to Fairbanks to visit friends and hopefully do job interviews. It works out well, we fly out on March 29 so we will be able to spend Easter with my family.
My friend Kris just gave me two big bags full of clothes for Finn. I am so psyched. I was not looking forward to buying summer clothes for him. Since we have really streamlined our budget and become MUCH more frugal, I actually hate spending money on stuff like that. Although, I do plan on getting Birks for Ciera this summer and Stride Rites for Finn. Shoes are the one thing I won't scrimp on.
My goal this week is to sort the kids clothes, I have TONS of clothes that don't fit either. I am going to start weeding through stuff now so that when we move, I won't be overwhelmed with all this stuff I have to do. I am glad that Chuck has the summer off so that I won't have to do all the packing myself.
I am sooooo fricking excited. Only about 3 more months here!!!
I keep wanting to join the Mama Matrix, maybe tonight I will try to put the code in and all that. I have just been too lazy. I also have a bunch of blog links I want to add.

2002-03-02T16:01:00.000-08:00

Sigh, peace at last. Both kids are sleeping with dh. We were up late last night and they still fricking got up at 7AM! They refuse to sleep in, ever.
I went to they gym this morning, did 25 minutes on the eliptical machine. I love that thing, my legs felt like jello, which I also love. Did some weights for my arms. I feel really, really good.
We decided to go to Anchorage for spring break, which is the first week in April. My mom gave us a milage ticket, we have one, and there is a web special, so it won't cost us much. I am looking forward to going. Dh needs the break from work, and we need some time together, him and I. Since Finn has been born, we have gone out twice. It has been really hard, we were used to going out once every couple weeks without Ciera, so this has been hard on our marrige. I would like to say that we can talk but we NEVER get to have a conversation when the kids are up (do other peoples children do this? not let them get a word in?). Most nights, Chuck goes to bed when the kids do. So, things have been a little rough. We are going to try to go out at least once while we are in town, even if we just sit in the car and talk! I really want to see a movie. I think Finn will do fine. It seems like as long as Ciera is around, he doesn't mind if we are gone. Tonight, I am leaving him with a friend, Sherri. Finn loves it at her house. She has a little girl his age and they are best friends. They both start screeching the moment they see each other. Ciera and I are going on a "date". We are going to the Homecoming Basketball game. This is what she chose to do! LOL, she loves watching the games. We never get to go because Chuck does the pep band and Finn is just not at a good age for sitting in the bleachers for an hour or so. She is so excited, it makes me kind of sad, like I haven't been spending enough time alone with her.
Finn fell off the couch this morning smack dab onto a sippy cut. He hit it with his eye and it has turned a lovely shade of purple. It is pretty swollen. It looks terrible, I hate it when stuff like that happens, I am afraid someone will think I am abusing my kid!

2002-02-27T14:20:00.000-08:00

Ugh, we won't find out about the contract till the 11th of March. However, Chuck did talk with the superintendant (small school district!) and he is pretty much sure that he will be offered a renewal. It took them two years to find someone to fill this position and they don't want to lose a teacher. So, we talked to the guy who owns the apartment and I think he is going to wait for us, I don't think anyone else has wanted to rent it and I also think he wants us as renters, we are a sure thing for a year. So, I was overwhelmed with gratitude this morning. My friend Janice asked if we had decided to move (the apartment is in her neighborhood) and I said I thought so but we were having some trouble figuring out how we were going to move our stuff, there is no uhaul or anything like that here and we don't have a truck, so she had talked with her husband and they wanted to help. He works for Samson Barge so he offered to use on of thier frieght vans to help us move. That would mean only one trip. I thought that was so nice for them to offer to help us move. I told her I will probably take her up on it as soon as we know a date.
I was feeling bad about breaking the lease here but we have had so many problems with the heat (which is NOT a good thing in winter) that I am not feeling so bad anymore.
I am feeling good about having some resolution to the job/move situation. I think I will do okay next winter. I will know people more and we are planning on going to Hawaii in December so that will help, to get out of the state for a few weeks. We also decided we would budget in a trip to Anchorage every 2 months for me and kids, that way we can stay close to family.
Rhonda, I read your comments. It's nice to hear someone say they think it is the right decision, LOL! I tend to get really wishywashy and not want to decide anything. And if you kiss my ass a leetle bit more, I may even come live with YOU after we are done here! :P

2002-02-25T15:52:00.000-08:00

Oh, I totally forgot. Update on the moving/job situation. We have decided that if Chuck gets offered a renewal contract he will take it and we will stay here for another year, maybe two. We will also move to the other apartment, by all the kids. : )

He should find out today if his contract is going to be offered again.

2002-02-25T15:50:00.000-08:00

What's up? No one answered my question. I figured I must need a breath mint.

So, on Saturday night, we had some friends over for dinner. Now, the husband is a teacher at the high school. Chris and Chuck have become good friends and Chuck wanted to invite him and his wife, Sunny, over for dinner. I said sure, as long as the house is picked up. He called them and asked them and they said, Yeah, we'll come for dinner. How about 9? I was like, what? 9 PM??? But it actually worked out well. The kids were down for the night and we were able to enjoy our pizza and beer in an adult fashion. These people don't have kids. It has been a long time since I hung out with people who didn't have kids. It was a glimps into the life I might be leading if we hadn't had our so young. It made me think a lot about my goals. I am still thinking on this and have a big long post I am working on that I will probably post tonight.
I spoke on the phone with an old friend today. Her and her husband and their two girls just moved to Hawaii in December. I am so green with jealousy. She was telling me about their hike yesterday and how much time they have been spending outside. I am starting to really itch to live in a different climate. Alaska is beautiful, it really can take your breath away. But it can be very hard on people. There is a lot of dark, cold and snow in the winter. I would like to live in a warmer climate (preferably buy a beach!) and just spend summers here, which would be doable since dh gets all summer off. Anyway, I was soooo happy she called. We hadn't spoken in a few months and I thought I might have lost her. Chuck and I have been talking about going to Hawaii for Christmas this year and it would be so great to see them.

2002-02-21T15:57:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have big dilemma I need some help with. As you know, we living a tiny little town, only 2400 people. We moved here last August. I am of two minds about this place. First, my kids love it and it is a FABULOUS place to raise kids. Many of the town functions are child-oriented. Ciera loves it here and has made some really good friends. BUT...I am lonely. I haven't made "real" friends and I very much miss the friends I left behind. Chuck and I don't really have any couple friends either, which we have always had. So, anyway, we are coming up on having to decide if we are staying or leaving. Chuck has a job here, we don't know if he will if we leave (the chances are pretty good though, because of the teacher shortage). We were just offered an apartment that we have been really wanting (apartments are scarce in this town). It has 3 bedrooms, w/d, dishwasher, etc. and it has a little deck and yard. The best thing is it is in the neighborhood where Ciera's friends are. This is the type of neighborhood were all the kids run around outside together, one or more parent out there keeping an eye on them. Right now we have a really nice apartment but it is in the middle of town, with a bar across the street. It gets really loud and we have no outside space whatsoever.
I just don't know what to do. The guy who owns the apartment wants to know by March 1 if we want it. If we move in there, it means we would definitly be here another year, maybe two. If we stay, we would be able to pay off all our debt (including our vehicle but excluding student loans) and go on vacation. I would stay at home full time. If we move, we won't know our job situation, I would probably go back to school.
Dh doesn't really know what he wants to do either, he is leaning towards staying here at least on more year because it looks better on his record. I am afraid of being as lonely and depressed next year as I am this year.
So, what would you do?

2002-02-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

Had to leave John up there for a few days. The weather has been so sunny (but COLD!) the last few days. I am so glad for the sunlight. Esp. since it's been light when we have been getting up. I am sooo longing for summer.
Things I want to do today:
write checks and mail some bills
sweep/mop kitchen
pick up playroom
exercise
take kids to gym time
take kids to library story time
keep looking for jobs for dh

Guess that's about it. OH! GET OUTSIDE. I got my fuzzibun a couple of days ago, finally put it on Finn yesterday. I like it, I had used one when he was smaller but it seemed too bulky. Now it doesn't seem as bulky (because he is a lot bigger but using same prefolds) and he actually has some room in the thigh area, I had it on the second to last snap. Dh loved it, he wants me to get more. Anyone have any XL fuzzibuns they want to get rid of?

2002-02-19T01:30:00.000-08:00

Which John Cusack Are You?

2002-02-19T01:06:00.000-08:00

Waiting for the iron to heat up so I can iron a shirt for Chuck to wear tomarrow. It was so nice to have him home today, especially after his four day absence. I went to the store, saw my friend Kris, who just got back from California today. We had a nice chat. I think her and Riley are coming over tomarrow. Sometimes I really envy her. She only has Riley, who is 5. From the outside, her life looks so easy. Sometimes I wonder if my life would be easier if I just had Ciera. But I know, for me, it wouldn't be as fufilling. I get so mushy when I see Ciera and Finn playing together, peacefully. Finn is always trying to be just like Ciera. The other day, she was sitting on the floor and Finn went and sat by her. He studied her for a few minutes, adjusted his body a little, to make sure that it was exactly like hers, looked at her again, looked at himself again, looked at her one more time (just to make sure), looked at himself one more time. Then smiled at her, the brightest smile you have ever seen. The pattern of life.
Seeing my kids together has made me think a lot about my brother and I. We are the same age apart as my kids. He is younger than me. I miss him. He lives in Lousiana with his wife, he got married this summer. Love ya, Nateynate.
I am joining the gym tomarrow. The time is here. I need to do something about how I feel/look. I want to be more comfortable in my body. I look forward to really using my muscles. I was in such good shape in high school, I was so strong and fit. I reveled in my body and how powerful it was. I have tried to do videos here, at home, but it doesn't work. Finn just gets right there, one time I kicked him in the head (on accident, of course!) doing my taebo video. So, everyday when Chuck gets home, from 4:30 till 5:30, I am going to go work out. It means I will have to be on top of dinner, but I can handle it.
I have cabin fever so bad. Can't wait for spring break.

2002-02-17T14:07:00.000-08:00

Anyone else who wants to be listed, let me know! These are the ones I am linked from but welcome all blogger links.

2002-02-17T03:31:00.000-08:00

So...what do you think? Any opinions? Going to try to put links in tomarrow, er, today...later today.

2002-02-15T19:05:00.000-08:00

Am I invisible?

2002-02-15T01:08:00.000-08:00

There is something wierd about my ISP. I am having trouble with it reloading pages, when I am not even online! I need to call them. I thought it was taken care of, it was really fucking up KWK's blog but haven't heard anything else from her. I noticed on my statistics though, that my isp is showing up wrong. Hmmmmm...

2002-02-15T00:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, day 1 of dh being gone went pretty well. We went to gym time, went to library story time, went to the store. I wasn't worried about the day time because I am used to doing that. I was really worried about bed time. But, it went smoothly. YAY. Had them both down by 8pm.
Ciera is very excited because they are having a Valentine's Day Party tomarrow. She has been talking about it all week. Damn, I forgot, I have 31 Valentines cards I need to write her name on. Anyway, she is really looking forward to it.
I was so impressed by her today. She wanted a balloon in the store. I had said no and she copped a total attitude and stood there with her hands on her hips and said, "I SAID I wanted a balloon so you better get it for me now" (okay, this in not the part I was impressed with). I gave her THE LOOK. She pouted. I hustled us all out to the car. There had been a couple of incidents before this that were not satisfactory for either of us, her wanting something, me not getting it.
We are driving down the road and I said, "You know, I was really upset in the store by the way you were talking to me. It was disrespectful and hurt my feelings. I know you wanted a balloon but we couldn't get one today." She didn't say anything for awhile. We talked about other things. Then a few minutes later she said,"Mom, I am really sorry for the way I was acting in the store."
I thought I had died and gone to heaven (not that I really think there is a heaven.) This was a big leap for us. Ciera, as much as I adore her, can be very, very demanding, which is not fun. For her to apologize for it, hell, even recognize it, is a big step.
So, we were driving around, wasting time before library, not enough time to go home but too early for story time, and we drove out past Hippie Cove. The road runs along the bay for a few miles. Anyway, we saw tons of otters! It was so cool. They were all out there frolicking and playing. Ciera was just out of her mind. Finn didn't really get it, lol, but was excited because we were. The closest one we saw was about 50 yards away. It was AMAZING.
I read other peoples blogs and think how witty and funny they are and sometimes it makes me feel so...boring. LOL. But then I remind myself that I write this stuff for ME. So that I can have a record of my life. And cute things my kids do. So, here are a few cute kiddie things.
Finn loves to try to squirt himself in the eye, with breastmilk.
Ciera made me the loveliest valentine card, all on her own, and inadvertently glued it to the table.
Can't think of any others right now.
I miss my man. I don't like to sleep without him.

2002-02-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

You know what I think is EVIL and "dangerous to the world"? That fucking Clifford the Big Red Dog song. I hate that, it gets sooo stuck in my head. I mean really, who would actually move to an island just because they had a freak of a dog who was as big as a house?
So, anyway, Finn said it yesterday for the first time. The dreaded NO word. Sigh, now he thinks it's a game.

I was a bad mama yesterday. I am trying to pull myself out of this funk I am in. It is hard. I don't like this time of year. I had to take dh to the ferry EARLY this morning and now I need to clean up the playroom and sweep the kitchen since today is playgroup here. I don't feel like it but I know it will help. Anyway, I need to not let my state of mind effect my parenting so much. It isn't thier fault that I can't maintain.
I guess I better get my butt moving. Later.

2002-02-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

A pic of dh (not the best but too tired to look for another):

2002-02-12T11:30:00.000-08:00

Ciera is drawing all over my Real Simple magazine, which I guess is real great because the magazine sucks real ass.

2002-02-11T23:42:00.000-08:00

Another pic. I know, I know. I am messing around with my blog. I really want to change the template. Too tired tonight.

2002-02-11T23:06:00.000-08:00

Okay folks. I am in desperate need of some sleep here. 3 hours just doesn't cut it.
Today we got a Valentines package from MIL. Ciera and Finn and I tore it apart gleefully. There was no way we were gonna wait 2 more days to open it. So, it was very nice. Ciera got the new Snow White (is this any different from the old one? puzzling.) A snow white doll w/dwarves to go with it. She got markers and stickers too. Finn got a little pull-along dog toys, he already adores it. Chuck and I got candy!
Chuck is going to be gone for Valentines day, he is leaving late Wed. night for 3 days. 3 DAYS! What am I going to do without him? Thinking about flying to Anchorage. I am such a wimp. I hate trying to get both kids to bed by myself. Very frustrating.
I am really starting to find joy in the simple things. I feel like I am, well, like training myself to stop, look around, not rush so much. Enjoy the peaceful moments (rare that they are!)
Things I am thankful for today:

Ciera and I had a good day
Finn honking my nose whenever he could reach it
We have enough money to cover basics and some left over
My husband helps with the kids and the house no matter how tired he is
my body (ugh, that is a hard! one)
the fact that I have a huge king size bed to go crawl into (with my sleeping guys!)

On that note, I am off to bed.

2002-02-10T21:53:00.000-08:00

So now that I have joined Yaaps, does that make me a yaaper? I am really glad to see that community starting up. It is so great to be able to converse with people I haven't felt comfortable with for a long time.
Well, I got my house cleaned up. I am relieved, I hate starting the week with a messy house.
I also ironed Chuck's clothes. Hmm, I wonder if those things that you just throw in the drier with the clothes really work? It took me almost an hour to do 4 shirts and 2 pants. And then I realized that I hadn't done any of the sleeves on the shirts! Oh well, I got some uninterrupted quality time with the TV.
Ciera is next to me pretending to sleep. Every once in a while I see one eye crack open and look at me to see if I am fooled into thinking she is really asleep. She said that sweetest thing to me today. She said, "I am such a lucky girl to have a mom like you!" Awww! And I didn't even prompt her, LOL!
How do you spell check a blog?

2002-02-10T15:35:00.000-08:00

Man, I have got a million things to do today. It is already 2:30. We are supposed to go swimming in a half hour. Chuck and Finn are sleeping. Ciera is doing her craft stuff. The kitchen & master bedroom are a mess. Oh well, the playroom and livingroom are clean and the laundry is all caught up. Could be worse.

2002-02-07T23:37:00.000-08:00

The top one is a few months old. The bottom is about a year old.

2002-02-07T23:25:00.000-08:00

Can I just say that having a 4 yo. feels like living with a volcano sometimes. Or maybe a rabid dog. Or maybe an Angle with a pointy little tail. Damn, its a good thing that girl has a firm grip on my heart! Love ya, babe, no matter what.

2002-02-06T22:13:00.000-08:00

Feeling a little better. I love this time of evening, when both kids are asleep, tucked in bed. It's the only quiet time I get all day. ahhh.
Anyone's school district looking for a music teacher? We are just starting to look around/think about next year. I don't think we will stay here, it is just too incredibly expensive. I would like to go back to Fairbanks but we are also thinking about moving out of state. I would really like to spend some time in a warmer climate. We will probably either stay on the west coast or go all the way east. Been to Maine, loved it. We are pretty rural people so it would probably have to be in not too big of a city. Nahh, we're not picky! :P

2002-02-06T14:48:00.000-08:00

I am feeling very sorry for myself today. I am lonely. I hate moving to a new place. I mean, I have friends here, which is great, but they aren't OLD friends. I cannot call them up and say, "eeks, get over here now I NEED you." I miss the familiarity of old friends. Of course, I can talk to them on the phone but it isn't the same, at all.
I think living in a small town makes it worse. There is a group of women that I hang out with but they are very close and have been for years and it makes me feel insecure. Ugh, recalling the days of Jr. High...I haven't felt this way in years.
Online friendships help, but, dammit, I don't want to sit on my ever-growing fat ass in front of the computer screen. I want to get out of the house, I want to go sledding, I want to go to thier house for dinner.
Okay, I am making myself feel worse. In fact, at this point, I just want to crawl into a hole, cry and eat a gallon of cherry garcia. boohoo, poor me. (this is my blog, so I can have a big pity party if I want to, okay?!)

2002-02-06T14:29:00.000-08:00

Ciera has a blog! Not much there yet, but they way she talks, believe me, there will be much more. LOL
Ciera's thoughts